Poge
Poge is this fat fucking pathetic piece of shit that we force ourselves to hang out with. He wears this pair of shitty-ass shpecks that we all make fun of him for. He also has this short fucking curly ass hair that just makes him seem like five years younger than he actually is (even though he'd probably look like a manchild no matter what he did). The most annoying part of this fucker is his pretentious "I know more than you" tone when it comes to things he reads about on /pol/ or /v/ and thinks he' an expert at (even though he's actually not; he's just so pathetic and worthless that he grasps for straws on little insignificant and useless shit to give himself just enough self esteem to not kill himself every day). I sat next to him like every day in Algebra 2 while he shat up the place. The picture attached to this paragraph is the closest semblance I can get to his actual appearance. Poge and Piggy The story behind his nickname, Poge (his real name is Scooter), is that basically, in 10th grade we read that stupid book "Lord of the Flies". Throughout the entire time that we read it, I sat next to our friend Sträub, and every time we read the book, he and I wouldn't pay attention at all. Like we never even knew what was going on, so we just shat around all the time and made fun of everything about the book. A lot of times we made fun of a certain character, Piggy, and his assmar. Eventually we grew to associate our friend Scooter with Piggy, because they both had the same basic body structure and whiny personality. So much, in fact, that we eventually started to call Scooter "Piggy". And through our natural devolution of words, this went from "Piggy" to "Poge". One night when we were having a bonfire at his house, he told us that it annoyed him when we called him "poge", but we all laughed and no one fucking cared. Physical Description Fat, lazy, boring and sad. He pretends like he's losing weight sometimes but that just makes us laugh and feel bad for him at the same time. He doesn't eat like anything at his house because all he has is Don Perrier and Fruit By-the-foot because he fucking refuses to walk ten feet to his mom's house to get real food because he's socially fucking retarded but whatever. He's also short, sweaty and moist. He's also greasy, like a cheeseburger. He just has this aura of grossness that just makes him physically repelling. Personality Basically he's the most passively pretentious and coy little shit you will ever meet. He has a little too much self respect and dignity for the type of person that he is. There's no proper and easy way to describe how retarded all of us are, but basically we've lost all social boundaries and normalities and stopped caring about how far off the deep end we go. But this fucker still retains this ideal that he's somehow better than us because he clings to these insignificant shards of faux normalcy to justify the fact that he's just a fat retarded manchild. Toon Rink He really likes Toon Link cuz he's fucking retarded and thinks he knows everything about the history and structure of the video game industry even though he doesn't, and he really likes Zelda the Wind Waker even though it wasn't much more than a good game. So he always picks toon link when we play Brawl even though he's not even that good but whatever. Are you sorta getting this vibe of retardation I'm trying to get across here? If not well then too fucking bad. SMASH In the later half of junior year, poge decided it would be just a stellar idea to get into competitive smash (melee to be exact), and from then on it was just a downward spiral into a dumpster fire. We first became aware of the sheer degree of his condition when he started bringing fucking GameCube controllers to school so that he could practise his button combos while away from home. I wish ''I was making this up. And the poor kid would sometimes bite his knuckles to Pavlov his poor self into ''fearing ''making a mistake in his button combo execution. I swear something isn't right in that kid's head. At first he picked up Marth but because that was obviously way too mainstream for his refined tastes, he went with Roy, objectively one of the worst characters in the game. He went and helped found a smash club at our school, which really isn't a bad idea in itself, but the way this fucker took the whole thing just makes me wanna vomit. So I'm sure you're familiar with the basic concept of good sportsmanship. Ok, well take everything you know about that and shove it up a nigger dicc because Poge ain't having none of it. When he loses, he turns into the thiccest stack of salt you've ever seen in your life. I'll give you a sterling example of what I mean in the next paragraph. So as a joke, our autistic (there's a good chance he ''actually has autism) friend Jodam entered a tournament, and with his amazing strategy made it all the way to Grand Finals against Poge. Thinking he had this one in the bag, Poge chose to play Ganondorf rather than Roy cuz he wanted to be "disrespectful". And what do you think happened? Well why the fuck else would I dedicate a paragraph to this story if autismo didn't win? Literally all he did (and when I say literally, I mean these were actually his only inputs) was spam the c-stick forward as Falco ogre and ogre for 3 consecutive games and won every single one of them, winning the "King of Smash" award. Poge was so unfathomably salty about this that he offered to money match autismo for like $50 or something outrageous like that. This basically signalled the end of Poge's smash career forever. Afterwards he "got into competitive Overwatch" (and by that I mean he played it for like 2 seconds then moved on to something else) but no one cares except for him. And I don't think even he cares that much. /pol/ Remember when I said Poge is the type of person to cling to anything and everything just for a fleeting shred of identity? Well I wasn't fuckin' lying. Towards the second half of his senior year, he started browsing threads on 4chan's /pol/ and before you can finish microwaving a Red Baron pizza, he was suddenly an avid Trump supporter. And it's not like he had voiced any conservative feelings before, or fuck it, he never voiced any ''political opinions to be honest, except for an off comment about "socialism being pretty cool" or something. But out of nowhere he was going on and on about the importance of nationalism, individual liberty and the greatness of Jesus Christ. It's not even about agreeing or disagreeing with the guy, it's just the fact that anyone with a smidget of a brain cell could tell he just soaked up all these opinions like a used sponge. I really wish I was exaggerating, but you can't fuckin' make this shit up, folks. #indie So during his last year of High School Poge experienced baby's first existential despair and tried to stave off the inevitable collapse of his false sense of self-worth by immersing himself in the world of "indie" culture and wicked "80's vibes". And by indie I culture I mean he listened to Modest Mouse's ''Float On ''three times and bought like five-plus Polaroid cameras so he could feel indie every time he took a picture of an everyday object or location, cuz see if you take it with an old camera that makes it indie. He would also post miscellaneous crap on his Instagram add #indie to something that is in no way, shape or form "indie" whatsoever. Oh wait no never mind he put a filter on it, I take back everything I said, it's 'super '''indie now. I really wish I could be as cultured as him :^(